A Chelsea Revelation
By Thorin N. Tatge

CHARACTERS

ALEX: A horse rancher.  Must narrate convincingly.  Either sex.
LAMB: The Lamb of God.  A little silly.  Either sex.
TUPAC SHAKUR
ANGEL 1
ANGEL 2
ANGEL 3
ANGEL 4

Begin with a nice chair on the upper stage.  Enter LAMB, who stands center stage and faces audience.

LAMB (solemn): Revelation 11:17.  We give you thanks, Lord God Almighty, who are and who were, for you have taken your great power and begun to reign.

Exit LAMB.  Enter ALEX and ANGEL 3.  [Surprise, ANGEL 3!  Here you were, thinking you’d have a small part, and it turns out to be bigger than ANGELS 1 or 2!]

ALEX: Hey, who was that?  That person who was just here and recited that biblical verse, who was that?

ANGEL 3: That was nobody.  Jesus, I think.  Look, it doesn’t matter.  I’m telling you, Alex, your life is over.  You’re dead.  You have to come with me.

ALEX: But why??  I’m telling you, I didn’t die!  I was just out brushing the horses when suddenly everything froze!  And all this weird stuff happened.  But it wasn’t because I died.  If I’d died I would remember it.

ANGEL 3: All right, fine.  You’re right, you didn’t die.  But that doesn’t matter because today is Judgment Day.  Everyone’s dead from now on.  Time to go to Judgment.

ALEX: Well, that bites!  I wasn’t even half done with my life!  How’s anyone supposed to make an informed judgment of me when I wasn’t finished?  I mean, I was going to go work for the Sierra Club in a couple years, but now I bet no one’ll believe me.  Come on, this isn’t fair!

ANGEL 3: It’s how it was written, Alex.

ALEX: Well you can’t blame me for not reading the fine print or whatever.  I mean, what about babies who were just born?  What about the ones that aren’t even that far yet?  What are you going to judge them on?  How hard they kick?  I bet they feel even more gypped than me!

ANGEL 3: It’s not my decision.  Let’s go.

ALEX: No way, I’m… hey.  Hey!  I’ve seen you before!  Yeah, I remember you!  You were in all that weird stuff that happened after the world froze!

ANGEL 3: I was?  What are you talking about?

ALEX: Well, it’s kind of hazy… but let’s see if I can remember.  Give me a moment.

ALEX goes to the front corner of the stage and narrates.  ANGEL 3 exits.

ALEX: All right, it’s coming back to me.  I noticed my horse was frozen, and I looked up and everything was perfectly still, everything but me.  Then I heard a sound from above!  At this I looked, and there in heaven a door stood open! And a voice, which I heard speaking to me like a trumpet, said,

ANGEL 1 (offstage): Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this!

ALEX: So I went up there.  What else could I do?

Enter TUPAC and the ANGELS.  TUPAC sits on the chair, surrounded by all the ANGELS, dancing about.

ALEX: And there in heaven stood a throne, with one seated on the throne!  And the one seated there looked like Tupac Shakur, and around the throne was a rainbow that looked like an emerald.  Around the throne were twenty-four thrones, and seated on the thrones were twenty-four elders, dressed in white robes, with golden crowns on their heads.  Coming from the throne were flashes of lightning, and rumblings and peals of thunder, and in front of the throne burned seven flaming torches, which were the seven spirits of God; and in front of the throne there was something like a sea of glass, like crystal.

ANGELS sit down on all four sides of the throne and brood like animal guardians.  They act out the descriptions given them by ALEX’s next line; first ANGEL 1, then 2, then 3 and then 4.

ALEX: Around the throne, and on each side of the throne, were four living creatures, full of eyes in front and behind: the first living creature like a lion, the second living creature like an ox, the third living creature with a face like a human face, and the fourth living creature like a flying eagle.  And the four living creatures, each of them with six wings, were full of eyes all around and inside. Day and night without ceasing they sang:

ANGELS: Holy, holy, holy, the Lord God the Almighty, who was and is and is to come.

ALEX: And whenever the living creatures gave glory and honor and thanks to the one who was seated on the throne, who lives forever and ever, the twenty-four elders fell before the one who is seated on the throne and worshipped the one who lives forever and ever; they cast their crowns before the throne, singing:

ANGELS: You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created.

ALEX: Then I saw in the right hand of the one seated on the throne a scroll written on the inside and on the back, sealed with seven seals; and I saw a mighty angel proclaiming with a loud voice:

ANGEL 1: Who is worthy to open the scroll and break its seals?

ANGEL 2: I dunno, me?  Let me try.

TUPAC holds up the scroll.  ANGEL 2 tries to open it, but fails.

ANGEL 2: Darn.

ALEX: But no one in heaven or on earth or under the earth was able to open the scroll or to look into it.  And I began to weep bitterly because no one was found worthy to open the scroll or to look into it.

LAMB enters during the next line.

ANGEL 4 (to ALEX): Do not weep. See, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, has conquered, so that he can open the scroll and its seven seals.

ALEX: Then I saw between the throne and the four living creatures and among the elders a Lamb standing as if it had been slaughtered, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent out into all the earth.

LAMB: That’s me!  Aren’t I pretty, with my seven interwoven horns and my seven luminescent eyes?  I’m the Lamb of God!

LAMB takes the scroll from TUPAC.  TUPAC nods in approval and spreads his hands.

ALEX: When it had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell before the Lamb, each holding a harp and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints.

ANGELS fall before LAMB and chant:

ANGELS: You are worthy to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slaughtered and by your blood you ransomed for God saints from every tribe and language and people and nation; you have made them to be a kingdom and priests serving our God, and they will reign on earth.

LAMB: Yes, I know.

ANGELS rise and dance merrily all over the stage through the next few lines.

ALEX: Then I looked, and I heard the voice of many angels surrounding the throne and the living creatures and the elders; they numbered myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands, singing with full voice,

ANGELS: Worthy is the Lamb that was slaughtered to receive power and wealth and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!

ALEX: Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and in the sea, and all that is in them, singing:

ANGELS: To the one seated on the throne and to the Lamb be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!  Amen!

LAMB: Okay, everyone, settle down!  It’s seal-opening time!

ANGELS (hurrying back and sitting down): Hooray!  Time for the Apocalypse!

LAMB: All right, first seal.  Rrrrrrip!

LAMB rips open the first seal.  ANGEL 4 stands up.

ANGEL 4: Come!  I am the rider of the white horse!  I bear the crown and the bow of conquering, and I ride forth to conquer!

Exit ANGEL 4, while other angels clap.

LAMB: Okay, that was interesting.  Now it’s time for the next seal!

LAMB rips open the second seal.  ANGEL 2 stands up.

ANGEL 2: Come!  I am the rider of the red horse!  I carry a great sword which I will use to take peace from the earth, so that people will slaughter one another!

Exit ANGEL 2, while other angels clap.

LAMB: Well, cool!  Let’s see what the third seal does.

LAMB rips open the third seal.  ANGEL 1 stands up.

ANGEL 1: Come!  I am the rider of the black horse!  I hold a pair of scales in my hand to measure out the substances of vitality!  A quart of wheat for a day's pay, and three quarts of barley for a day's pay, but do not damage the olive oil and the wine!

Exit ANGEL 1, while remaining angel claps.

LAMB: Oookay, that was extra-weird.  Ready for the fourth seal?

LAMB rips open the fourth seal.  ANGEL 3 stands up.

ANGEL 3: Come!  I am the rider of the pale green horse!  I have authority over a fourth of the earth, to kill with sword, famine and pestilence, and by the wild animals of the earth!

LAMB: Well that’s nice to know.  Do you have a name?

ANGEL 3: Yeah, my name’s Death!  I seriously don’t know what my crazy parents were thinking, but I figure I might as well try and live up to it, right?

LAMB: Sure, makes sense.  But what’s up with that horse?  What kind of a color is pale green for a horse?

ANGEL 3: It’s like a ghost horse.  That’s the color of ghosts, you know.

LAMB: It is?  Well, whatever.  Get going.

ANGEL 3: Well, wait.  You really think it’s a stupid color?

LAMB: Forget I said anything!  Get outta here.

Exit ANGEL 3.

LAMB: Okay, right.  Time to open the fifth seal.

LAMB opens the fifth seal.

LAMB: Heeeeey, look what’s in here!  It’s the souls of those who have been slaughtered for the word of God and for the testimony they have given!

ANGELS (offstage): Sovereign Lord, holy and true, how long will it be before you judge and avenge our blood on the inhabitants of the earth?

TUPAC: Uh…  Yo, just wait a little longer!  You have to wait ‘til your number’s complete!  Put on the white robes in there and wait for your fellow servants and brothers and sisters to be killed the way you were killed, aiight?

ANGELS (offstage): Alrght!

LAMB: Cool.  Just so that you know, I’m opening the sixth seal now.

LAMB opens the sixth seal.

ALEX: When he opened the sixth seal, I looked, and there came a great earthquake; the sun became black as sackcloth, the full moon became like blood, and the stars of the sky fell to the earth as the fig tree drops its winter fruit when shaken by a gale.

LAMB: Holy fuck, that wasn’t supposed to happen!

TUPAC: Yeah it was.

LAMB: Are you sure?  Well, okay.

ALEX: The sky vanished like a scroll rolling itself up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place.  Then the kings of the earth and the magnates and the generals and the rich and the powerful, and everyone, slave and free, hid in the caves and among the rocks of the mountains, calling to the mountains and rocks:

ANGELS (offtstage): Fall on us and hide us from the face of the one seated on the throne and from the wrath of the Lamb; for the great day of their wrath has come, and who is able to stand?

LAMB: Excuse me?  My wrath?  Since when am I wrathful?

TUPAC: Hold on, you all know what?  This is all too much, this is waaay too much.  I mean, what do we need gold ceilings for?  What do we need colored windows for?  What do we need all these elders and lightning bolts and guardians and everything for?  Come on, if I want to go somewhere and touch someone’s spirit, then I’ll go there, and I’ll touch their spirit, and no church or nothing is going to stop me.  Have you seen some of these churches lately?  There’s that new one in Los Angeles that takes up a whole block!  Come on, there are homeless people out there!  They need the space!  Why would anyone spend so much money trying to please me instead of giving the money to the people who need me?  Seriously.  Religion went down the chute a long time ago.  You know, I think some cool motherfucker sat down a long time ago and said let's figure out a way to control motherfuckers.  That's what they came up with—the Bible.  ‘Cause if God wrote the Bible, I'm sure there would have been a revised copy by now.  Cause a lot of shit has changed.  I've been looking for this revised copy—I still see that same old copy that we had from then.  I'm not disrespecting anyone's religion, please forgive me if it comes off that way, I'm just stating my opinion.  The Bible tells us that all these people did this because they suffered so much, that's what makes them special people.  I got shot five times and I got crucified to the media.  And I walked through with the thorns on and I had shit thrown on me and I had the thief at the top; I told that nigga, "I'll be back for you. Trust me, it’s not supposed to be going down, I'll be back.”  I'm not saying I'm Jesus but I'm saying we go through that type of thing everyday.  We don't part the Red Sea but we walk through the hood without getting shot.  We don't turn water to wine but we turn dope fiends and dope heads into productive citizens of society.  We turn words into money. What greater gift can there be?  So now that I’m God, I choose to bless them, I choose to bless those that hustle. Those that use their minds and those that overall are righteous. I believe that everything bad you do comes back to you. So everything that I see someone doing that's bad, I make them suffer for it.  But if they do what’s in their hearts, and if what’s in their hearts is right, then they’re going to heaven.

LAMB (to ALEX): Well, there you have it!  What about you, homeboy?

ALEX: Me?  Uh… I don’t know.  I do what’s in my heart, what else would I do?  And I feel like it’s right… more or less.

TUPAC: Well tell me this: are you in touch with your inner self?  Did you ever sell your soul, or do you understand and accept what you see when you look in a mirror?  Are you true to who you are?  ‘Cause if you are, you should be shining, every day of your life.  I gave you that voltage, and you have to pay me back by making that voltage shine, and you do that by being true.  Are you true?

ALEX: Um… I have to tell the truth.  Only some of the time.  Some of the time I get angry at where I’ve been put.  My father was a horse rancher, and I never thought that was half as exciting as he thought it was.  I wanted to be a racing jockey.  I wanted to ride those horses instead of just taking care of them.  And when it turned out I didn’t have the physique for that, I got mad.  I cursed at God for making me flabby.  And then when I got over that, I wanted to go to business school, and get away from the whole boring thing.  I wanted to start my own hardware store, and make new friends in some other city, but… well, now I’m a horse rancher.  Just like my father.  It’s kind of hard to accept, you know?  Honestly, I’m just starting to learn how to be true to myself.  I don’t really have the knack of it yet.  But I’ll be joining the Sierra Club in a couple of years, at least I’m planning to… it seems like the right thing to do.

TUPAC: Alex, is what you’ve just told me all true?

ALEX: Yes, Lord, it is.

TUPAC: Well, my advice to you is to try and work something out.  Sounds like you’ve got your problems, but your head’s on straight.  I’ll be seeing you around.

ALEX: Yes, Lord.  See you.

Enter ANGELS.  They dance around TUPAC for a few moments.  ANGEL 1 escorts TUPAC  offstage, while ANGEL 2 and ANGEL 4 carry the chair offstage.  LAMB sits down where the chair used to be.  ANGEL 3 goes over to join ALEX on the front corner of the stage.

ANGEL 3: So you were there.  For some reason, you were chosen to watch the whole thing.

ALEX: Yes… I don’t understand it.  I was never anyone special while I was alive.  Why did I get to witness the Apocalypse firsthand?

ANGEL 3: Maybe you just went through the same thing everybody did.  I could easily see it within God’s powers to give every person on earth, and maybe even the ones who died long ago, the chance to see what transpired, and to make them each think they were the only one watching.  Ugh, that means everyone who ever lived got to see me say that stupid thing about my parents.

ALEX: Well, could be.  Do you think that’s what happened?

ANGEL 3: Well… no.  I suppose you must have some special purpose, Alex.  I don’t know what it is.  It must be up to you to find it.

LAMB: Better hurry, ‘cause I’m about to open the seventh seal!

ALEX: Uh-oh.  Well, listen, Death.  You said you didn’t like having a pale green horse to ride.  How’d you like a nice sturdy appaloosa?

ANGEL 3: Sure, I could go for that.

ALEX: Cool.  It’s yours, if you can somehow get me three more years of life.

ANGEL 3: Uh, well… I would, but the problem is there’s nowhere left to live.  We’re tearing the whole place down.  Did you even hear the part about the sky rolling itself up like a scroll?

ALEX: Yeah, I see… but surely you must need interns!  I mean, this whole Judgment thing must take an awful lot of behind the scenes preparation, right?

ANGEL 3: You have to ask?  Heck, yeah.

ALEX: Well, just get me a job in the organization.  I’ll do anything you need me for.  Sort out tricky cases, type memos, even be your liason to Hell!  Just give me something to really judge my performance by.

ANGEL 3: Now there’s a thought.  Okay, Alex, I’ll put you onto alphabetizing the Book of Names.  Let’s see how you handle that.

ALEX (leaving): No problem.

ANGEL 3 (leaving): And Death gets to ride a spotted horse!  Yippee-iy-oh-kiy-ay!

LAMB (standing): Yippee-ih-oh indeed.  Okay, everyone!  Ready?  Time to open the seventh seal!  Here we go!  Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

LAMB runs offstage, ripping open the seal.  ANGELS and TUPAC all run across stage, whooping madly, and then return to their seats.

The End.