CHARACTERS
BRUNO
RITA
LIGHT
Enter BRUNO, carrying a bowling ball.
BRUNO: Ah, nothing like a good night of bowling. I tell you,
if you want to relax but have fun at the same time, in a nice atmosphere
with people you like, while balancing factors of personal challenge with
a relatively low pressure activity, there’s just nothing like bowling.
I tell ya.
Enter RITA.
RITA: Yeah, and I suppose the fact that it’s been the only thing of
any interest to do on this deserted space station for the last ten years
has nothing to do with it.
BRUNO (dejected): Aw, c’mon, Rita. Did you have to go
and ruin a perfectly good rationalization?
RITA: That was perfectly good? It was one of your weaker efforts.
Really, I did it for your own good, Bruno. You have to admit that
you hate bowling! It’s not healthy to keep doing something you hate
and telling yourself that you like it.
BRUNO (angry): Well maybe if I tell myself I like it often enough,
I’ll start to!!
RITA: Even worse, Bruno. I feel sorry for you.
BRUNO: Yeah, then why are hanging around, if I make you feel so damn
sorry?
BRUNO angrily rolls the ball down a lane toward the audience.
He and RITA watch as it strikes the pins.
RITA: You keep veering left on your approach. That’s why you
always leave the ten pin standing.
BRUNO: Oh yeah? Now who’s talking out of her ass?
RITA: I beg your pardon!?
BRUNO: You know very well that the reason I always leave the ten pin
standing is that the entire parallel universe we inhabit revolves around
the number ten.
RITA: Oh, not again with that stupid theory.
BRUNO: It’s not stupid! It’s obvious! Look, ten pins in
the formation. Ten frames in a game. Ten different bowling
balls available. Ten lanes in the alley. Ten rooms in the space
station. Ten control stations. Ten light fixtures in every
room. Ten colors of M&Ms in our provisions. Ten types of
metal used to build the station. Ten planets in the nearest star
system. Ten fundamental laws of physics. The speed of light
here is ten.
RITA: Ten what?
BRUNO: Just ten. They don’t have units here.
RITA: That’s impossible.
BRUNO: Impossible, is it? Are you certain about that?
RITA: Absolutely.
BRUNO: Well let’s just ask it then, shall we?
RITA: Let’s. I’ll bet you ten dollars you’re wrong.
BRUNO: You’re on. Light!!
Enter LIGHT.
LIGHT: Hiya! How are you?
BRUNO: Hi there, light. I’m kinda rotten, but you’re still bright
and perky as ever. Did you lose some weight?
LIGHT: Hardly possible.
BRUNO: I suppose not. Listen, Rita and I have a question for
you. How fast are you?
LIGHT: How fast am I? Gee, I don’t know. You mean, just
like, how fast can I get from one side of the room to the other?
BRUNO: Yeah, that’s more or less what I mean.
LIGHT: I have no idea! Let’s check.
As BRUNO and RITA watch, LIGHT goes to one door of the stage, and
then runs across very fast out the other door.
RITA: So that’s the speed of light, huh?
BRUNO: Kind of pitiful compared to in the world we come from, huh?
Enter LIGHT again.
LIGHT: What was that? Did you call me pitiful?
BRUNO: Well… well yeah. But only by comparison. See, in
our home world, light can travel millions of miles in a minute. It’s
the single fastest thing in existence, and determines the size of the universe
itself as well as the contortions of space-time.
LIGHT: Uh… no kidding?
RITA: He’s right. Can you do any of that?
LIGHT: No… no I can’t. Gosh, why’d you have to tell me that?
Now I feel totally inadequate.
BRUNO: It’s always good to know all the possibilities. Now you
have something to strive towards, eh buddy?
LIGHT: I don’t know… I don’t see how I’ll ever be able to go that fast,
no matter how much I work out.
RITA: How fast would you say you get from one side of the room to the
other?
LIGHT: Oh, I’d say I was going about ten.
BRUNO: AHA!
RITA: Fine, fine, I owe you a sawbuck.
LIGHT: Why does it matter?
RITA: Bruno has this weird theory about everything in this world having
something to do with the number ten.
LIGHT: Oh, that would explain why the license plate number on my spaceship
is 10, just like every other license plate in the universe. I’ve
been wondering about that. I mean, what’s the point of even numbering
them if they’re all going to have the same number? But I guess it’s
one of those things you just grow up with, and you don’t bother to question
it.
RITA: Pardon me for asking, but why does light own a spaceship?
LIGHT: Well, it’s so I can get places, of course! Obviously I
wouldn’t want to just run everywhere.
RITA: But if you’ve got a ship, then you can take us off this horrible
lonely forsaken place!
LIGHT: Er… sorry, no can do. It’s only big enough for me.
RITA: How big is that?
LIGHT holds up fingers pressed together on one hand.
LIGHT: Oh, about… this big.
RITA: That’s no size at all.
LIGHT: Well, it’s a convertible, and I don’t take up very much room.
BRUNO: You drive a convertible spaceship?
LIGHT: Yes, I can convert it into either matter, energy, or Soviet
Russia.
BRUNO: Wasn’t Soviet Russia made of matter?
LIGHT: Yes, and a lot of energy and other stuff as well.
BRUNO: Okay, well, still, you can deliver a message to someone in the
nearby star system, can’t you?
LIGHT: Sure! What should I tell them?
RITA: Tell them we’re trapped on this space station and we’d be very
grateful if they came and got us off!
LIGHT: Okay, I’ll be right back.
Exit LIGHT.
BRUNO: Do you think it’ll work?
RITA: It’s our only shot, isn’t it? God, I’m sick of listening
to you trying to make everything seem all right. I can’t stand you.
I don’t know why I ever married you.
BRUNO: What? You married me? When did this happen?
RITA: Oh, never mind. I guess that must have just happened in
my parallel world.
BRUNO: Yeah, I guess. Wow, think of that. You actually
married me?
RITA: Yeah, for some reason or other.
BRUNO: Wow, you have my sympathy.
RITA: Thanks. So how long do you think it’ll take light to get
there with our message and back?
Enter LIGHT.
LIGHT: Hi again! So, it looks like the only planet capable of
sustaining life is the fifth one from the center.
RITA: Really?
LIGHT: Yeah. One side is inhabited by intelligent cows, and the
other side is inhabited by midget kangaroos with polka-dotted fur.
They only understand Ethiopian, unfortunately, so they didn’t understand
the message I gave them.
BRUNO: What about the cows? Did you tell them?
LIGHT: Yeah, but I think I scared them. They’re a devout monotheocracy,
and when they heard me talking to them they mistook me for God and I threw
their whole belief system into turmoil. That’s when I asked for directions
to the land of midget kangaroos.
RITA: I see. So basically, we’re screwed unless we can figure
out how to ask for help in Ethiopian.
BRUNO: Oh, that’s no problem. Here, I’ll write it down for you.
LIGHT: Oh, thanks!
BRUNO writes down his message on a piece of paper and gives it to
LIGHT.
LIGHT: Be right back.
Exit LIGHT. RITA sighs.
BRUNO: I guess I might as well try to take down that ten pin.
Blasted thing.
BRUNO picks up a bowling ball and bowls it down the lane, as before.
RITA: You got it! Good for you.
BRUNO: Yeah. I never managed that before. You know, that
was the last thing I wanted to accomplish with my life. Now that
I’ve actually scored a spare, I have nothing left to aspire to.
RITA: Well, you could try and get a strike.
BRUNO: Ridiculous! Then the ten pin wouldn’t still be standing
like it always is! No, I have nothing left to accomplish. I
might as well just lie down and die.
RITA: But you wanted to get off the space station! What did you
want that for, if not to do great things?
BRUNO: I was hoping to find a better bowling alley on the nearby planet
so I could get better traction. I never dreamed I’d actually be able
to manage a spare here on the station.
RITA: Oh. So, what then? You’re just going to lie down
and wait to die?
BRUNO: I guess so. Have a good time escaping.
BRUNO lies down. Enter LIGHT.
LIGHT: Hi, back again! Okay, so I gave the kangaroos your message,
and they said they’ll pop by as soon as they develop space travel.
They said they’d like to spend the night and bowl a few games. They
don’t have bowling alleys on their half of the planet. Apparently
the cows occupied all their bowling zones during the great war.
RITA: Wait, they don’t have space travel yet?
LIGHT: No, but they’re very hard-working. Now that I’ve inspired
them to new heights, they estimate they should have it in a couple of hours.
BRUNO: Really? You know, that inspires me to keep on living.
BRUNO gets up.
LIGHT: Oh? Well, that’s nice!
RITA: We have to get the place ready for kangaroos in a couple of hours,
Bruno. Polka-dotted kangaroos, no less. We should put up a
polka-dot décor to welcome them.
BRUNO: Yeah, that sounds like a decent thing to do!
RITA: How many polka-dots are left in inventory?
BRUNO: I think last I checked there were ten.
RITA: That’s it? We’ll just have to make the most of them, then!
On your mark, get set, go!
Exit RITA and BRUNO in opposite directions. LIGHT starts to
run offstage and trips.
The End.