How to Get a Single
An instructive play by Thorin N. Tatge
KEITH: A rising junior with a crappy room draw
number.
GREG: A moody rising junior with a really crappy room
draw number.
BRETT: A rising junior with a really, really, really crappy
room draw number.
SARAH: A slightly flaky rising junior with no reason
to be melancholy.
LAWRENCE: A rising junior with an outgoing yet
devious personality.
(Students are sitting wherever available, pantomiming
conversation when they are not the focus.
Keith enters, faces the audience, tips his hat, and walks over to Greg.)
KEITH (suave): Hey, buddy, what’s your number?
GREG: 452.
KEITH draws away,
repulsed. Greg sighs. KEITH walks to LAWRENCE as the focus shifts.
SARAH (to Brett):
And so I told her I had this medical condition where I have to be within
hearing range of Chelsea every Friday at 11:17 or I go crazy, right? and so
they got me this great room in Nourse with my friend Nancy . . . I’m pretty
psyched. So, Brett, where are you gonna
be staying, d’you think?
BRETT (Melancholy):
I had my heart set on a single.
SARAH: Cool! Isolated
hermitry is so you! Think you’re gonna get one?
BRETT: Um . . . maybe.
SARAH: Well, what’s your number?
BRETT consults script.
BRETT: Um . . . Eighteen thousand, one hundred twenty-six.
SARAH: Oh. Huh. Well.
BRETT: Do you think I have a chance, Sarah?
SARAH: Well . . . now that they’ve gotten rid of quotas . .
.
LAWRENCE (incredulous):
Did you say eighteen thousand?
BRETT: Yeah . . .
LAWRENCE: So . . . what, I don’t get it, are you drawing
after the entire population of Northfield?
SARAH: So I figure first his class draws, then the rising
sophomores draw, then the students that don’t like their rooms get to draw
again, then the prospies draw, then the visitors from St. Olaf, the
downtrodden, the homeless, the butchers, the bakers, the candlestick makers,
Liam Neeson, that guy with the funny hair, the next sixteen freshman classes
and their families . . . and then you draw.
BRETT: I . . .
LAWRENCE: Hey, maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get that little
closet on 1st Watson! I think
that’s a single, isn’t it?
SARAH: Actually I think it’s a quad. Besides, it’s designated female next year.
BRETT: I could get an operation . . .
KEITH: Hey, why don’t you just find a roommate? Get a single your senior year! Be an RA.
BRETT shakes his head. Uh-uh.
I’m planning to live in Power Tool House senior year! Rrmmm, rmmmm!!! (Imitates
power tool.)
LAWRENCE: So what are you going to do next year?
BRETT brightens. I know!
I’ll become a marauding conqueror!
I’ll set traps outside people’s doors, and when they’re all gone, I’ll
move in!
LAWRENCE: No, no, man, that’s not the way to do it. You’ve gotta work from the inside.
Get yourself a roommate and then screw with his academic life until he
drops out.
BRETT: How do I do that, Lawrence?
LAWRENCE: Well, for example if he’s a CS major you just
introduce a bug into his compiler so that it erases a line at random every time
he compiles.
BRETT: What if he’s an English major?
SARAH: Ooh, I know!
You go through his textbook and change all the commas to
semi-colons. They hate that!
GREG: NOOOOO, NOT THE SEMI-COLONS!!!!!
(All look at Greg.)
BRETT: And if he’s a Philo major?
LAWRENCE: Easy. Make
him define everything. Whenever he says something, ask him to define
it. Eventually he’ll realize that all
Philosophy is ultimately meaningless.
SARAH: Meaningless?
Meaningless?? No, it can’t
be!!! (Sarah gasps.) But it makes
so much sense! NOOOOO!!!!! (Runs
offstage.)
BRETT: Hey, it works! I think I’ll try it! (Gets up and faces audience.) Hi, I'm Brett! Would any of you like to be my roommate?
LAWRENCE: A little more discreet, my friend. Play it cool.
BRETT: Oh, right.
BRETT wanders to Greg.
BRETT (trying to be
suave): So, uh, what’s your number?
GREG: 452.
BRETT: 452?
Hallelujah! Whass'yer name, Greg,
right?
GREG: Yeah.
BRETT: Want to room with me next year?
GREG shrugs. Okay.
(The two rise and begin to leave.)
BRETT: Cool! So
what’s your major, Greg?
GREG: Tofu.
BRETT: Tofu, huh?
Hmmm . . . .
(They exit.)
KEITH (to LAWRENCE):
I guess that means it’s you and me, huh?
(They begin to leave.)
LAWRENCE: Guess so.
So you’re a philosophy major, right, Keith?
KEITH: Right. I think
it’s important to acknowledge the progression of great thinkers that makes us
what we are today.
LAWRENCE: Yeah, yeah, definitely. But what exactly do you mean by
“progression?”