ESTRELLITA: Champion of Prostitutes!
ESTRELLITA: Behold me in my partially undressed glory! I am the champion of all prostitutes! My exploits are legendary; my influence runs far and deep! I range far and wide, performing acts of heroism in the names of Ishtar the Mother of Harlots, and Aphrodite the Courtisan! When I first heard that our prince had been kidnaped by the evil sorcerer Yimmethal, I strapped on my garter, laced my trusty golden corset up (bottom to top for easy access in a pinch), and threw on my shortest red skirt! Ready for conquest, I schmoozed, hitchhiked and rode my way north across the inspiring mountains and savagely hot jungles, whoring myself to the woodsmen for protection from the wild animals—and once I had protection, I whored myself to the wild animals for all the latest dirt on the woodsmen, as well as a share of the meat from the day’s kills. A girl’s gotta eat, you know? I discovered the house of an immortal Chinese warrior whose spiritual energy had fallen out of tune with that of his wife. After I set their energies in tune again with an energetic three-way sprawl, he gave me his most trusted artifact, the revered Whip of Unprovoked Masochism. I continued on my way, and upon reaching the path leading to Yimmathal’s sinister castle, I found the way guarded by seventeen dozen staunch guardsmen, each more powerful than the last. I dealt with each of these in turn, and let me tell you that was a loooong day. I valiantly whored myself across the drawbridge, whored myself up the ramparts, and with a massive feat of strength, I managed to whore myself through the window and right into the sorcerer Yimmathal’s bedchamber. He shouted and beset his pet hellhound on me, but as no one knows better than I how to please the Creatures of the Night, I had the thing cooing in a fuzzy ball before you could say “Fandango.” The evil sorcerer tried to cast a spell on me, but I let loose with my charms and cast a spell on him. Then I whipped out my Whip of Unprovoked Masochism and let him have it in spades. At last, he offered to return the prince if I defeated him in a challenge of my choice, so I challenged him to a tightrope walk from one tower of his castle to the other—in five inch heels! It was no contest, of course—he plummeted after the very first step, and would surely have died but for the magical mattress that happened to be under the rope. A man of honor, or what was left of it anyhow, the sorcerer gave the prince his freedom, and gave me the magical mattress as a lagniappe. He taught me the naughty word that made the mattress fly through the air, and so it was that I escorted the fair prince home—emphasis on “escort.” Now, I stand before you a hero, the savior and despoiler of our royal bloodline, and that magical mattress is none other than the one you see before me here. Who among you is bold enough to meet me on this mattress and partake in the age old sport? Who among you is ready for the heroic wiles of Estrellita, champion of prostitutes?!