The Devil’s Bouncer

Thorin N. Tatge

The devil came to visit me one day—

Like a salesman he rang my bell. Well,

He offered me a pair of roller skates,

But I told him that he should go back to Hell.

I didn’t fall beneath his evil spell,

For when I tried to skate I always fell,

And that made it a tricky sell.

He said that I should make pornography,

For he saw that I was in a rut, but,

He offered me a pair of roller skates, and a checker set,

But I told him I would never make that smut,

For something felt amiss deep in my gut.

And though I couldn’t even tell you what,

It meant he didn’t make the cut.

He said that I could start a gambling joint and would keep whatever I could get—yet,

I’d also get a pair of roller skates, and a checker set, and a piggy bank, and a stereo,

But I decided that there was no need to fret.

I told him he could keep his checker set,

For I would rather not go into debt,

And that seemed like a losing bet.

He said that I should join the Mafia, for although I’d have to prove my skill, still,

I’d surely get a pair of roller skates, and a checker set, and a piggy bank, and a stereo, and a model train, and a pogo stick, and a voodoo doll, and a B.B. gun,

But I told him he should go and pop a pill,

For he would never bend me to his will,

Since I had better things to do than kill,

And so I told the devil, “Chill.”

In desperation then, he bowed to me,

And he said, “Your wish is my command.” And,

He offered me a pair of roller skates, and a checker set, and a piggy bank, and a stereo, and a model train, and a pogo stick, and a voodoo doll, and a B.B. gun, and a china set, and a motorcar, and a water slide, and a ferris wheel, and a rocket ship, and the Royal Mint, and eternal life, and undying fame,

But I shrugged and closed the door to his demand.

He didn’t really seem to understand

That all I really wanted was the land,

And someone there to hold my hand.